My friend Jen says affirmations are kind of dorky. I know what she means, but I’ve compiled a long list of my most often repeated thoughts that protect me from toxic mom fall-out. They could you last a month, although I really hope nobody ever actually needs one for every single day. A rougher version of this list was posted previously, but this is the new, improved, reorganized and edited list that will go in my book, Toxic Mom Toolkit, which is nearing completion.
I do hope this version of healing affirmations, sane thoughts, and defense tactics for daughters – and sons – of toxic mothers is helpful to you.
The 5 “NO” Mantras
- No, I won’t be doing that. No, don’t count on my being there. No, I’m done subjecting myself to your drama. No, I choose not to accept the stress. No, I have more positive things to do.
The 5 “I Cans”:
- I can take everything negative about my mother’s life and flip it in my life. I can create a welcoming and warm home life. I can express love and encourage others daily. I can extend myself to those in need without expecting anything in return. I can prove that a life well lived is the best revenge.
When Every Day is a Toxic Day: Thoughts to Get You Through
- My toxic mother can’t kill me. If she could, she would have already.
- Any guilt I feel regarding my toxic mother was planted, watered and tended by my mother.
- If my toxic mother was a co-worker or neighbor and I moved away, I’d never visit or call her again.
- Family secrets instill guilt and shame. Am I being paid to keep family secrets? Then it’s not my job to keep them.
- Next time I hear my mother’s voice in my head belittling me I’ll tell her out loud she’s wrong. (It’s okay. Other drivers will think you’ve got hands-free.)
- Any mother who could be cruel to a child is not going to apologize to that child when they’ve grown up. Stop waiting for an apology that will never come.
- As I’ve matured I’ve developed a better understanding of the choices my toxic mother made as a woman and mother.
- My toxic mother can only intimidate me if I let her. While she’s busy trying to bully the child me, the adult me can reject her, ignore her, correct her, or report her to authorities.
- I can’t fight crazy with crazy. Crazy is my toxic mother’s ‘hood.
- Repeat: My toxic mother does not live in my head. She lives in her head.
- When my relatives and friends say they can’t understand how I can treat my toxic mother the way I do, I’ll tell them the truth.
- My toxic mother is an unnatural disaster.
- I can laugh or I can cry. I choose to laugh.
- I will never again hand my toxic “mom bomb” the match again.
- On Mother’s Day, and other family holidays, I’ll focus on the positive women (and men) in my life. I’ll thank them for their caring, kindness and encouragement.
- The cruel rule of RSVP is that the one person I hope will decline always comes. I won’t extend an invitation to my toxic mother to any event where I’d hate to actually see her.
- Mother-daughter time is precious only if it’s positive.
- My toxic mother deserves the one gift she never gave me: the truth.
- My toxic mother won’t rob me of rich friendships with women who on the surface remind me of her. What are the odds my mother had an even more evil twin?
- I will calmly stare down my toxic mom until she fears me more.
- That which is most personal is most universal. People will understand if you simply say, “My mother is not a nice person, but I sure try to be.”
- Whose little girl am I? I can be my own little girl. I can care for and nurture myself.
5 Soothing Thoughts:
- Remember what my dad said, “Nobody can resist a joyous woman.” Then allow yourself to feel and express joy.
- Consider that your toxic mother may have been treated even more badly as a child than you were. (It could keep you from throwing something.)
- There is no dishonor in retreat. Refusing to enjoin battle is a small victory when it comes to toxic mothers.
- Amuse yourself to avoid getting sucked in. Keep an egg timer, a paper pad and pencil near the phone. Tally the lies, the guilt trips and the demands she can make in three minutes. Then hang up.
- Keeping your children away from your toxic mother is a no-brainer. Introduce them to kind, responsible elders instead. Don’t know any? Consider visiting or volunteering with your child at a senior center or veterans home for an hour a week.
- Honor thy mother and father? You can honor them by respecting yourself first.
Toxic Mom Toolkit 
This is some good advice. I left a comment under another topic after spending a horrible week with my mother who lives out of state. The variety of emotions and feelings I have been processing since the disastrous finale of that week, have been staggering and have left me emotionally depleted. Thanks for the tools to try and work through this. I know I’ll be the one who will eventually have to reach out to her first, but just can’t go there just yet.
Thanks for your note Dee. I always hated that feeling of knowing the time would come where I’d have to re-contact and how unpleasant it would be and I started asking myself, Why? Why did I have to? The answer is I didn’t have to. That’s when you really start thinking about the why of the entire relationship…
Hi Rayne,
Thank God you started Toxic Mom Toolkit. I’m sure the decision was full of emotions! This article hit all the areas of my life as it stands right now. It made me laugh (because I already take notes of her deceitful, manipulative and outright lies during our phone calls), and it made me cry (because I handed one of my sons into her filthy claws and paid dearly for it), as well as confirm that I’m not cruel or crazy for feeling the way I do about her, and what I need to do….. needs to be done. Sometimes I can’t believe I survived and how strong enough I am now to do something about it!
In 2 weeks, on my brother’s birthday, (God rest his vulnerable soul), I am turning my mother into the authorities for a host of reasons that I’m too ashamed to share. I’ve been planning this for 1-1/2 years after the death of my husband. What’s giving me the final push is researching justifications such as your articles and ironically running into my brother’s best friend a month ago, who, knowing our family for 40+ years, and whom I haven’t seen since my brother’s funeral 3 years ago, had also confirmed and added to the horrific secrets my mother has. Its a very sad and evil story, especially when it comes to me, her only daughter. I feel God, my Dad (we won’t even go there on why but rest his soul), my husband and my brother are part of what’s been happening to me internally.
I decided that if the authorities don’t do anything about all the lives that this woman has stolen and damaged and all the people she’s hurt, that she didn’t even know, and continues to slither to and fro seeking whom she can devour, then at least my conscience will be clear when I stand in front of God. He will handle the rest. Pray for me.
Love and peace to you and all of your readers!
Thank you and I look forward to enjoying your work!
Michelle F.
Michelle, thank you for your comments/story. It is in telling these stories that we help ourselves and others. Thank you for your honesty and good luck dealing with your Toxic Mom.
Reading other stories on your blog really helped me as well, when I thought no one understood….thank you. I feel free already 🙂
I wish you all the luck and success in the world!
I’m so happy to hear that. I really believe in the healing power of telling your story. The telling heals the teller and the hearing helps the person who hears it.
Thank you so much for your article. I have felt all alone because I never knew there were other daughters who had toxic mothers like mine. I am almost crying because there is a site like this where I can be empowered and feel like I am not the crazy one. Thank you for ever starting this website.
You are SO not alone.
MFord September 24, 2013 at 1:54 pm #
I am so happy I found Toxic Mom Toolkit! How cool it is that there are people out there who are actually going through the exact same thing with their mothers and can share and help each other! I’m all choked up 🙂
Its hard to admit (especially to yourself) that the relationship you have with your mother is toxic. No daughter wants to believe that and its even harder to admit it out loud. But since coming to terms with it, I have felt nothing short of liberated!! I feel like I’ve been released from captivity….like I’m finally able to live my life on my terms…and it feels great!
My story (in short version) is that growing up, there was so much drama going on in my home that I never noticed the neglect of my mother, to her only daughter of 6 kids.
As a child, I thought her lack of concern for my needs as a girl was an oversight. But, looking back, there were so many red flags… but I continued to love and support my mother throughout my life, especially after she divorced my Dad (for reasons that’s just one of her many selfish secrets), because, well, she was my Mother and she always seemed so “needy”. NOW I know that was just part of her game.
But while I spent the last 25 years outside of my own kids and relationships “helping her” with opening businesses that I never saw a reward from, and frankly took more from me than they ever gave, she was secretly defaming my character and reputation and everything I stood for behind my back, even alienating me from relationships with my brothers and other family. She stepped on a lot of toes in her life, but I got the worst of it. What confused me was….why? Any other mother would be happy to have a beautiful, intelligent daughter, but when it comes to me? My mother is a vindictive, deceitful, bitter, envious and dangerously jealous “school girl” who saw me as nothing but a threat to her all of my life.
Well, in the last 2 years I’ve decided that I don’t have to put up with that (or her) anymore, and she’s finally starting to notice that I’ve been slowly severing ties. To save her the confusion, I’m going to tell her why real soon, (I’m excited about that), in a supervised setting because yes…jealousy is a very dangerous and harmful demon…even deadly.
Do I care that my mother’s entire persona will be hurt? Do I care that all she thought she got away with was only hurting her? Do I care that she will cry about me to every family member and friend who’d listen? Did she think she would never get sick, weak or old?
Yes, I care. But I care about me more. Its not selfish, its preservation, and that’s human nature. No matter how much I care about her or help her, she will always bite me like a serpent for it every time. And that’s a shame….. for her.
Will I be there for her when she can no longer care for herself, knowing that I’ll probably be the only one in the position to? I’d have to say……..maybe. But not in my home.
Just like the other reader, I’m breaking the cycle and starting my own new family traditions full of love, peace, truth and happiness….and sharing them with people who actually love and care about me.
Side note: Next time you watch a TV show, notice how very rarely you see the family of the main characters around (mother/father, siblings, cousins, etc.) . They only drop in every few episodes or so and they don’t stay long. That’s because the main characters have their own identities and lives. I’m learning that and I like it.
Thank you for this site! Love and God Bless to every Survivor!!
M
I’m happy you found Toxic Mom Toolkit too! Have you liked our page on Facebook? Daily support, wisdom, humor.
Rayne –
Just found your website and love it! My toxic is coming back from a 2-week vacay in Spain. Love it when she’s gone. Dread it when she returns. Promise to delve further into your site. Loved the affirmation page! Always glad to hear I am not alone – but I knew that!
Thanks
So Glad you found us! Check out our Facebook page and you know that there’s a book on Amazon.com right? Best, Rayne
Thanks so much for this. Its been five weeks since I have spoken to my mother. Everyday is hard, and parts of me miss her. Its nice to read that others go through this too.
I wish I had read this sooner. So many great points here!