DearUncle,Aunt,CousinJudy,Moms’
BestFriendSinceThirdGrade:
Thank you for your recent letter inviting me to reconnect with Mother.
I appreciate that you are writing out of concern for reuniting the family and spurred by concerns about time running out as mother ages.
I read your letter carefully. It reminded me that you have a very kind heart and I appreciate that about you.
But here’s the thing. I’m a grown up now and I have choices that I didn’t have when I was a child. Since you knew me as a child, I’ve educated myself, created a peaceful and loving family home, and I’m active in my community. I’ve also developed the perspective to understand my relationship with my mother. That you adore her and worry for her is sweet and kind. That you would extend yourself on her behalf shows what a good friend you are – and that’s a good thing. Mother needs her friends.
But I’m her adult child who suffered many forms of abuse while in her care. She has never explained or apologized for the trauma she inflicted upon me, despite the sun rising each morning. Although you’ve known her since before I was born, you are not informed on how she treated me in private.
I have built a life that I am proud of and happy with. It must seem sad that it does not include my mother. I can only assume that her past behavior is the best predictor of her future behavior towards my family and myself. My first priority is to protect myself (and my family) from her.
I have chosen peace over chaos, love over hate, and contentment over deep emotional pain.
As I would wish for anyone, I do hope she finds her peace one day. I cannot deliver that to her and I don’t choose to be near her. I ask that if you choose to stay in contact with me that you not “plead her case” or give me updates on her health or wellbeing.
Best,
Toxic Mom Toolkit 