My friend Jen says affirmations are kind of dorky. I know what she means, but I’ve compiled a long list of my most often repeated thoughts that protect me from toxic mom fall-out. They could you last a month, although I really hope nobody ever actually needs one for every single day. A rougher version of this list was posted previously, but this is the new, improved, reorganized and edited list that will go in my book, Toxic Mom Toolkit, which is nearing completion.
I do hope this version of healing affirmations, sane thoughts, and defense tactics for daughters – and sons – of toxic mothers is helpful to you.
The 5 “NO” Mantras
- No, I won’t be doing that. No, don’t count on my being there. No, I’m done subjecting myself to your drama. No, I choose not to accept the stress. No, I have more positive things to do.
The 5 “I Cans”:
- I can take everything negative about my mother’s life and flip it in my life. I can create a welcoming and warm home life. I can express love and encourage others daily. I can extend myself to those in need without expecting anything in return. I can prove that a life well lived is the best revenge.
When Every Day is a Toxic Day: Thoughts to Get You Through
- My toxic mother can’t kill me. If she could, she would have already.
- Any guilt I feel regarding my toxic mother was planted, watered and tended by my mother.
- If my toxic mother was a co-worker or neighbor and I moved away, I’d never visit or call her again.
- Family secrets instill guilt and shame. Am I being paid to keep family secrets? Then it’s not my job to keep them.
- Next time I hear my mother’s voice in my head belittling me I’ll tell her out loud she’s wrong. (It’s okay. Other drivers will think you’ve got hands-free.)
- Any mother who could be cruel to a child is not going to apologize to that child when they’ve grown up. Stop waiting for an apology that will never come.
- As I’ve matured I’ve developed a better understanding of the choices my toxic mother made as a woman and mother.
- My toxic mother can only intimidate me if I let her. While she’s busy trying to bully the child me, the adult me can reject her, ignore her, correct her, or report her to authorities.
- I can’t fight crazy with crazy. Crazy is my toxic mother’s ‘hood.
- Repeat: My toxic mother does not live in my head. She lives in her head.
- When my relatives and friends say they can’t understand how I can treat my toxic mother the way I do, I’ll tell them the truth.
- My toxic mother is an unnatural disaster.
- I can laugh or I can cry. I choose to laugh.
- I will never again hand my toxic “mom bomb” the match again.
- On Mother’s Day, and other family holidays, I’ll focus on the positive women (and men) in my life. I’ll thank them for their caring, kindness and encouragement.
- The cruel rule of RSVP is that the one person I hope will decline always comes. I won’t extend an invitation to my toxic mother to any event where I’d hate to actually see her.
- Mother-daughter time is precious only if it’s positive.
- My toxic mother deserves the one gift she never gave me: the truth.
- My toxic mother won’t rob me of rich friendships with women who on the surface remind me of her. What are the odds my mother had an even more evil twin?
- I will calmly stare down my toxic mom until she fears me more.
- That which is most personal is most universal. People will understand if you simply say, “My mother is not a nice person, but I sure try to be.”
- Whose little girl am I? I can be my own little girl. I can care for and nurture myself.
5 Soothing Thoughts:
- Remember what my dad said, “Nobody can resist a joyous woman.” Then allow yourself to feel and express joy.
- Consider that your toxic mother may have been treated even more badly as a child than you were. (It could keep you from throwing something.)
- There is no dishonor in retreat. Refusing to enjoin battle is a small victory when it comes to toxic mothers.
- Amuse yourself to avoid getting sucked in. Keep an egg timer, a paper pad and pencil near the phone. Tally the lies, the guilt trips and the demands she can make in three minutes. Then hang up.
- Keeping your children away from your toxic mother is a no-brainer. Introduce them to kind, responsible elders instead. Don’t know any? Consider visiting or volunteering with your child at a senior center or veterans home for an hour a week.
- Honor thy mother and father? You can honor them by respecting yourself first.
Toxic Mom Toolkit 