I’m reading Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolks, The Body Keeps the Score, and wow, is it an eye opener! I’m having lightbulb moments in every chapter. It’s SO interesting to me that I’m furiously skipping whole big swaths of info on soldiers with PTSD (I can go back) and brain chemistry (I can go back) and just following his trail of crumbs on why I have so often felt lost and frozen.
It also got me thinking a lot about how we accept lies – really, really OLD lies about who we are and how we are. So I’m taking a rainy afternoon to create a little art journal to document the lies I’ve been carrying around. Lies like: I’m bad at math. I AM bad at arithmetic and I know why. My brain was too busy in third grade trying to survive my embattled home life that I had no room for memorizing my times tables. I have however, managed to make a good living (since I was 17) and save a decent amount and create financial security. (So, no, you’re wrong mother, I’m not bad at math.)
If you’ve read or are reading my book, Toxic Mom Toolkit, you know that you’re allowed to do creative things to process your feelings about growing up with a super toxic mom. I think combining scientific reading with art journaling will be transformative. And I wanted to mention it to you in case you have been looking for a creative way to process your feelings, too. 
Toxic Mom Toolkit 
I’ve been somewhat journaling for almost a year now. I am writing about my life with my mother. I have to admit, it’s extremely hard to write about and it takes me to very dark places from my childhood so I have to take breaks( sometimes a couple months at a time).
It breaks me. I somehow do recoup and start feeling better as I do this however. Someday, I may try to have it published.
Keep me posted if you do! – Rayne
I discovered the other day that my default assumption about myself is that I’m bad. Now I know for a fact that this is inaccurate at least most of the time, but realizing it made me very angry.