ToxicMomToolkit.com, the blog, was started in 2009 as I began to write my memoir, Toxic Mom Toolkit. I started the blog as a place to be found by others who also struggle with having super toxic mothers. I needed a place to ask questions, create community, and a platform to conduct Totally Unscientific Surveys, like how many others survived the wooden spoon. (No way! You too?)
With a lot of author friends, I knew that writing a book can be isolating. What started as a one- or two-year project grew into a three-year slog that taught me why so many writers drink. I put on weight. I chopped off my hair. I took four months to write two pages on sexual abuse. It was a laugh riot at my kitchen table in Petaluma, California, let me tell you.
By 2013, after a year of editing and listening to Test Readers, I decided to self-publish on Amazon. A very famous New York City agent, (who hadn’t spoken to her own mother for over 30 years) told me I’d be crazy not to. She pointed out that I had grown my own readers by letting people peek at the process through Facebook, Pinterest and this blog.
Along the way, I haven’t always been on track with blogging. Not that it’s hard for me; it’s just one extra thing. I was looking for a way to improve my attitude about blogging when WordPress.com offered an online course called Blogging 101. Lesson Number One? Introduce yourself.
And since I’ve been blogging for a long time, that seemed sort silly until I remembered something I learned in the newsroom.
When assignments are being handed out, there is sometimes a real “groaner” story on an annual bake sale or the fire station blood drive, or deer hunting season. I forget the specific story, but I remember letting out a long groan once over a story like that. An editor took me aside.
“Write it for the person who moved here yesterday,” he said with a pat on my shoulder.
Newspapers cover small town parades, hunting season and blood drives every year and if you see it as a reporting opportunity instead of a drag, your story will be richer. When I blog, I should always remember the new person who just Googled: “terrible mother” or ” toxic parent” while crying over the keyboard, who landed here.
So, if Blogging 101 said introduce yourself, I’m going to do that – and more. I’m also going to tell you what I’m working on (in addition to blogging) – next.
I am currently at work on a second book about going no contact. The working title is Toxic Mom Toolkit: The Final Plan. I’m guessing it will take about six months, which probably means at least a year and certainly another bad haircut just when it’s grown out long enough for a French twist. In the New Year I would also like to do some work to produce something for the sons of toxic mothers. Hint-hint: I’m looking for guys ready to tell their stories to me.
Through my blog I know that there are so many people out there just waiting for an opportunity to contribute to the collective knowledge on this topic. The first brave story contributors (all women) led the way, and I hope that the 7% of our male community feels ready to tell their stories this year.
And I’ll be blogging about it – more often that usual – so please sign up to get email notices when new blog posts go up.
Toxic Mom Toolkit 
Success with your new book! No contact still feels better than contact. And that is what it’s all about in the end: what gives you most peace!
Wow! This site has been such a blessing to me! I have dealt with my toxic mother for most of my life. Even as a small child I can recall over hearing her telling my father that I was the cause of most of their arguments. Years later I am still dealing with her put downs, insults, and bitterness towards me. It was all emotional abuse until a few years back, when she took it a step further and slapped me in the face giving me a fat, bloody lip. To make an awful situation worse this happened in front of my two young children. I was devastated! At the time I was a 35 year old adult! I eventually forgave her and tried to move on, but I have quickly learned that she will not change. The put downs, negative comments have all started back. I want to cut out all contact with her, but what I worry about most is my children. They love her so much and don’t always see how horrible she treats me. How do I handle this? I don’t want to use my children as a weapon.
I’m so happy that you found Toxic Mom Toolkit! Your question would be a good question to put up for the community. If you go to our Facebook page, you can see what others say on this topic. My take on giving TM’s access to grands, goes along the lines of what would you do if any other adult acted like this? Would you want them to be around your kids? If someone from your work, church, gym hit you in the face, would you feel guilty for not letting them see your kids when they want to? That’s a tough question I know. But it is a fair question. I hope this is helpful. Best, Rayne
I discovered your book when I was desperately searching to make sense of my toxic relationship with my mother. It’s been a wonderful addition on my journey of healing and learning to love myself after being told my whole life (48years) I was not good enough or loveable. Since going NC last year I am truly taking care of myself and feeling awesome about it. Your FB is wonderful and such a safe place for those of us on this difficulty journey. Your daily quotes are uplifting. What a wonderful discovery finding out you are not alone. Best of luck and continued success to you!
Thank you Audri for your nice comment. Please be sure to check out the Toxic Mom Toolkit community on Facebook! Best, Rayne
I am an avid follower of your FB page. Thank you for creating such an inspirational and safe place for those of us seeking answers and healing!!
Rayne, finished your book in a weekend. Could not put it down. Thank you for writing it.
It continually amazes me that my toxic Mom, as well as everyone else’s I ever hear about, are absolutely stunned to find out that they are considered toxic! Dads can be toxic also, and seem equally stunned to learn of what they did to ever hurt you. I leave the door open for my (grown) kids to tell me what I did or am doing wrong. When they were younger I would even beg them to let me know if I needed to improve on something parenting-wise. My son just finally said, “God, Mom, you over analyze EVERYTHING!”. I took that to mean that I was an okay parent. Whew!
Hi Susan, I’m so glad you found my book. I hope it was helpful and healing for you. When you catch your breath, please consider leaving a review for it on Amazon. Each review helps the next person in pain, find the answers they seek. Best, Rayne
Will do! 5 stars!