Toxic Mom Toolkit: Mend Yourself

26 Feb

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8 Responses to “Toxic Mom Toolkit: Mend Yourself”

  1. Jackie May 22, 2015 at 6:19 pm #

    Hello!
    After reading this, some of people’s personal experience, and the advice that it is ok to actually be happy look out for oneself rather then be silently miserable for so many years because of such a weird relationship (as I called it) with a mother, my mom… I still wonder is it, will she make me feel guilty, will she critcize me, will I actually be doing wrong after all she still did care for me. She was the only person who cared for me….
    The relationship between my mother and I had to of went absolutely left when I turned 10. At this point I was officially afraid of her, her likes were my likes, her thoughts were my thoughts. I tried so hard to always make her happy and help her as much as possible as I always reminded myself how much she worked to put food on the table for my both of us. We had no family, she had no friends, there were no gatherings for holidays or weekends. She had a day off I would sit at the side of her bed till she woke up hoping we could possibly do something. I was afraid to wake her I didn’t want her to get upset. If she got upset she would scream in the scariest way, it was just horrible and terrifying for me. It became starling. Yes their were times where I wanted to scream back or speak up & so I would and I would get hit. It would be with a belt, broomstick, shoe, whatever. Then as I got older probably 12 she began blaming me for everything. Things went missing instantly it was me, if my friends parents maybe didn’t say hi to her now she accused me of speaking about her to the point that so many mothers just didn’t like her because of me, she had male friends at one point she managed to tell me that I had a provocative look that I actually asked for older me to look at me in certain ways. She critcized my weight, my voice, my nose because it looked like my father’s, she critcized me as a person bc I was like my father which automatically meant I was a liar. She would scream at the top of her lungs scaring up out of bed on weekends in the morning to start doing house choirs mostly hearing her complain, this is wrong and why is this like this, why do I have to see this like that or like this all the time. Nothing was ever good not even when I did thing exactly like her at this point now I was doing it to slow. I remember one night she had not gotten home till late and I was worried, so as soon as I heard the door of the main entrance I yelled MOMMY! She said WHAT? I said oh good I was worried why you weren’t home yet. Her reply was, yea you would be just new use you don’t wantto ever be alone in life not like you care about me. Mind you I am still a child and I was caring for myself everyday after school waiting for her. SMH! This just goes on and on. My confusion lyes here; although this was my life everyday, she still cared for me financially, medically (got sick she was there no matter how late and still would go to work without an ounce of sleep in her) she fought when people harmed me in any way even someone she truly cared about, she sent me to her country every summer so I would not have to be alone caring for myself during the summer and I could be under her mothers care. She did her best to always buy me the best and keep me clean, wearing the nicest customes, bikes, toys, electronics, room set, having me go to private school, when I began having seizures at 17 she worked extra hard alone to care for the both of us. I have been with my mom up and down here and there she has told me the worst of things and not given me the affection I realize I so desire. I have hated anyone who disliked or had a negative opinion of my mother even if I too have thought the same of course no one has ever known my feelings. I have always vowed to marry and she would live with me so I can care for her as she did for me. She loves my boys truthfully more then me and she says it. However my older son at times she tries to do a little of the same she did with me but I end that immediately. Now she is very clingy with my 2 year old and he is to her. My marriage has its difficulties bc anything she sees in my husband automatically bothers me and I see it as for anything she sees in others I see it. She dislikes my mother in law and visa versa so I have truly hated the mother in law. Not until 11/27/14 after a very devastating experience health wise that both my boys experienced did I begin to realize that something is just not right with my mom. My boys are now showing emotional trauma as I did and I am being treated for that and major depression. I mention her a lot in good and bad and well she really doesn’t work with ways to help me cope with calming my nerves, she continues to push my buttons. She tells me the most offensive things and I just lose it and scream to the top of my lungs in the presence of my children. Now from my 2 year olds hospital bedroom I write all of this because rather then her console me and understand that such a person with terrible nerves and health complications needing all the support and a friend to talk to or a mom who is suppose to be that backbone she automatically criticized me before I finished my story and said ok well I’m hanging up because I’m not going to fight with you and I just screamed and said “you are a shit of a mother who has never supported her daughter a day in her life” & I hung up. I cried a bit out of anger but I feel at piece for some weird reason. The only thing it opened my eyes to actually believe that the imagine I wanted and made myself to believe of my mother being the best and better then anyone else’s could possibly be wrong. Now I am thinking when my son is discharged I should request that my mom move out of the house bc she is tormenting me and it doesn’t help me in my healing process which in turn is not helping my boys at all actually it is why I am now in the hospital with my baby boy. I beg anyone, someone with this similar experience please help me, please as you look at the bad also look at the good. Also a huge concern is me having her move out, she has very low income to pay rent and I am on disabilty so I can only take care of her care payment. Please please someone please help me…. Thank you!!!

    • collectingjourneys May 23, 2015 at 5:16 am #

      Hi Jackie! Thank you for your note. I’m the author of Toxic Mom Toolkit. I’m Rayne Wolfe. First, let me say that I’m very sorry to hear that your little boy is in the hospital. It must be so stressful for you. And I’m wondering if taking on your mother during this time is wise. After talking to hundreds and hundreds of adult daughters (and sons) of toxic moms since 2005 I know that trauma in our family often triggers trauma with our toxic moms. I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to focus on your kids and your own nuclear family during this time and give yourself a few weeks to sort out your feelings about your mother. You don’t have to throw her out in a day. You can take your time, think, discuss it with your husband and trusted friends and develop some perspective about her behaviors towards you. And I hear what you are saying that there was good with the bad. However, I want to note that mothers who convince children that they are “a family of two” with no other relatives and doing that child a disservice. Certainly you had a father, he had parents, siblings, etc. Your mother had parents, perhaps siblings, so whether you have met them or know about them, you have an extended family tree. This idea of “us against the world” can be a control tactic, limiting a child’s knowledge of how people relate to one another, and how normal families operate. So, that’s a big issue right there. And you deserve to give yourself time to think and ask questions and do a little research on why your mother would set up a family unit that was so restrictive. I would strongly suggest you get my book, Toxic Mom Toolkit, on Amazon in paperback and with a Kindle edition (that can be downloaded to other readers like an iPad.) You can also ask your local branch library to order a copy for you. Also, be sure check out the Toxic Mom Toolkit Facebook page or just flip through all the entries on this blog. Be sure to read the comments sections as many visitors have left wonderful words of wisdom. I hope your little boy is feeling much better soon. Be sure to take good care of yourself, so you can be strong for him. And don’t hesitate to ask your husband and trusted friend for help/support during this difficult time. Best, Rayne

  2. Darah May 23, 2015 at 6:10 am #

    You need a professional, who understands your situation, to talk to. You will need much help sorting out your thoughts and much love and support to be able to stand up to your abusive mother. Now that you see that it is affecting your children, you know that the time has come to be strong. Best in the future to you, you CAN do it, whatever it takes.

    • collectingjourneys May 23, 2015 at 6:15 am #

      Darah! You’re right on and I should have said that. Find a therapist, quick. That’s why I always ask the community!

    • jackien1027 May 23, 2015 at 8:22 am #

      Rayne,
      Thanks a million for your quick response. You asked about other relatives. Father, disowned me before mom gave birth, she literally gave birth alone with no one to hold her hand or console her. Many times I reached out many times he spoke to me as if I were no one said he wanted nothing to do with me. Her side of the family all in her native country except for her uncle and his family but they too disowned her and well her uncle at times tried to see her during his work hours to see how we were. My fathers family well they definitely had nothing at all to do with me and siblings NONE. Friends she just had none, back then I didn’t understand why now I completely see it, I mean 12 hour shifts and the straight home to rest, care for me and get ready for the next day. She too felt no affection from her parents, her father was an alcoholic who would hit for the most minimal things and the mother preferred her little brother over her. Anyhow, I am home now thankfully my baby is fine and I am thinking things out. My husband is not someone I can speak to about this but I did reach out to a friend and she gave me some great advice. I will read all of the comments from here on and definitely purchase your book. Lastly, at age 17 I was diagnosed with Epilespy and at 33 with PTSD still looking for the reason my encounter with your site yesterday gave me the answer so my million thanks. 😊

      • collectingjourneys May 23, 2015 at 8:29 am #

        Isn’t it amazing how things can feel so urgent/chaotic one night and the next day, things are so much calmer. I’m glad that was the case for you. I feel that it is very important to understand your mother’s life story before even thinking about whether or not she is a toxic mom. Some people do the best they can with very few models to emulate or information to work with. My book includes mini-memoirs of about a dozen women and the variety of stories can be helping in calibrating what type of mom you grew up with. Take a deep breath, take good care of yourself, get a little notebook to write down your thoughts and save yourself some time and anguish by addressing this stuff now. It only gets worse, the longer it is avoided. I hope Toxic Mom Toolkit, the book, the FB page, the blog and the community will be helpful to you on your journey. Sending love, from Petaluma, CA.

    • jackien1027 May 23, 2015 at 8:27 am #

      Darah,

      Thank you kindly for writing and providing some advice. I will definitely look into some professional help. However I will be taking her with me. One thing I can’t consider her is abusive because I know looking from the outside in she never ever did anything to hurt me purposely. For this reason I need to find help for her as well but the difference between her and I is that she was thinking much more about herself and her family back home then what she was doing to her daughter and what her mistakes caused and will control my life forever. That is the one thing I will not do with my children. Thanks again Darah!

  3. ThinkFreePam June 25, 2015 at 1:09 pm #

    I’m trying not to BE a toxic mom. At 60 my narcissistic husband suddenly dumped me for a 28 year old, emptying the bank account on the way out, and I had a heart attack. I have nothing, I’m angry and I’m lost as to what to do next, and I’m trying not to be a burden on my two bachelor sons, although I have no one else to turn to. My inner child is desperately clinging to these two young men who are strong and protective. I don’t want to be left all alone. And I think about how unfair it is after all I’ve done for my family. One son has taken me in “for now” but I have to find a job and a place to live on a minimal income. Do you know how hard it is to find a job at 60? Does anyone have advice on how I can graciously get through this without becoming clingy and dependent?

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