If you are planning an oft-delayed trip to see your mother after a long no contact period, remember – it’s never what you worry about.
If you have had little or no contact with your Toxic Mother for five, ten, fifteen or twenty years, keep it simple. Just expect to be surprised.
Are you the same person you were last time you saw your mother? Probably not. So, expect your mom to be changed in some ways too. She may still be an irrational hater, an under-miner, a conspirator focused on annoying or hurting you, but her skills will have become rusty without you around to practice on. In fact, she may no longer be able to upset you as she has in the past.
What would happen if you arrived at this dreaded meeting a whole, calm, optimistic and ready-to-laugh adult? What if this time she didn’t see the child-based fear in your eyes? What if at the first hint of old hurtful patterns you said to her, “You know what? I’ve got other things I’d rather do than go over ancient history” and you left her there with her mouth open to enjoy a matinée movie instead? So what if you flew two thousand miles to see your mother one last time and when she turned impossible you switched gears and turned the vacation into an antiquing trip instead?
Would anyone really blame you?
Here are my Top Five Tips for surviving a long-delayed Toxic Mom visit:
- Bring or enlist an old friend to be at your side. Toxic Mother’s hate outsiders, also known as “witnesses.”
- Plan to do something your mother loves even if you loathe it. Then pat yourself on the back and reward yourself with a massage, or some other treat, when you get home.
- Have a short list of other people or places nearby to visit.
- Have a short list of pleasant activities to transition to should you need to cut your visit short.
- Plan all mother/daughter meetings and activities in public spaces. Cops swear by it.
I hope this is helpful to you. If you have a specific challenge feel free to post questions at Toxic Mom Toolkit on Facebook. But please post carefully on this “open” forum. If you don’t want everyone knowing your TM business feel free to create an alter persona or e-mail me directly at newsyrayne@gmail.com. I answer every email.
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20 months of no contact now, and still not missing anything. Anyway, I am off the hook as my ex still travels here to take my kids to see their grandparents. Isn’t that just grand?! A good story: when my parents & sisters celebrated my dad’s birthday, I & my kids were invite for a family lunch, at my aunt’s ( mom’s youngest sister). Her eldest sister & family was there too. And we met her brother & wife for sandwiches & apple pie when we all went for a walk. We had a really nice relaxing afternoon. And great food. It reminded me of the fun family events she used to organize when we were kids.
I’m a big advocate of doing what is right for you. Sounds like you gave it a lot of thought and now have a game plan. Thanks Claire for sharing your story. It will help others.