TOXIC MOM TOOLKIT
Addressing the last taboo: talking about unbearable mothers
NOT EVERYONE IS EXCITED ABOUT MOTHER’S DAY
Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 13, 2012
Is it possible that not everyone is excited about Mother’s Day? For some, Mother’s Day is the most emotional and difficult day of the year.
TOXIC MOM TOOLKIT is an online support community established by journalist Rayne Wolfe for adult daughters of toxic mothers. Reaching 45,000 visitors per month and growing, it is a daily resource for anyone endeavoring to rise above toxic parenting.
Purpose: Toxic Mom Toolkit on Facebook offers support through humor, positive images and quotations, video messages and links to news stories, books and other resources. A companion blog, ToxicMomToolkit.com, provides topics for independent therapeutic journals. A Toxic Mom Toolkit YouTube channel encourages frank discussion and mutual support.
Community: With over 45,000 visitors per month Toxic Mom Toolkit connects women from all over the world who face stressful issues concerning their mothers. For many, it is the first time they have ever spoken up about dealing with a toxic mother.
Rayne Wolfe is available as a media resource or radio and television contributor on the subject of surviving toxic parenting. Her background includes ten years as a daily news reporter for a New York Times regional newspaper in Northern California. From 2010 to 2011 she was a lead blogger at 8WomenDream.com, which focused on encouraging women to pursue their passions. In the late 1990’s her business column, “What Works,” ran in the San Francisco Chronicle and Seattle Times and other papers. She has published in numerous magazines including Glamour Magazine, has taught creative writing at Book Passage, and has read her own short stories on NPR affiliates. She is also a contributor to the Chicken Soup series – Chicken Soup for the Gardener’s Soul.
A former Sonoma County law enforcement chaplain, she has helped families deal with the trauma of sudden loss.
She has written and is preparing her first book Toxic Mom Toolkit for publication. It includes her own memoir of growing up in 1960’s San Francisco, the daughter of three mothers: a toxic birth mother, a toxic adoptive mother and a loving step-mother. Her book includes stories of other women who grew into loving, happy and optimistic adults despite toxic mothering.
You can reach Rayne Wolfe at 707.481.7180, newsyrayne@gmail.com or message her at Toxic Mom Toolkit on Facebook. She is based in Northern California.
Toxic Mom Toolkit 
Happy mother’s day from your ex-son-in-law, the one you chose over your own daughter… Did you know that in , Flanders, Belgium, we celebrate mother’s day TWICE?! First time in a few weeks (the media will remind me with lots of ads), but it is painfully close and sometimes on hert birthday: May 31, second time on August 25, ascencion day for Maria.
I can’t imagine two Mother’s Days! Stay strong!
Ugh. I dreaded Mother’s Day every year yet went through the charade in an attempt to please mother. I was soured on Mother’s Day by the phoniness of it.
As children, my brother and I never made a big deal of Mother’s Day so I got the scolding of my life one year. After I’d gone to bed that night, my raging mother ranted and raved in a hysterical tantrum, pacing back and forth at the foot of my bed shaming me for not doing anything special for her for Mother’s Day. I remember shaking in bed after she stormed out of my room. What made it extra awful was, when I asked my older brother about it later on, he said she never said anything to him about it. I guess because I was THE DAUGHTER, I was the one held responsible.
I made sure to be the “dutiful daughter” every year after that for decades with gifts, flowers, a stiff hug (we weren’t the huggy, touchy feely types) and homemade (hand drawn) cards to please her. She would go through the “Oh, you shouldn’t have!!” routine and I’d think to myself, yeah… right. It seems to me that the mothers that demand the most attention on Mother’s Day are the ones that deserve it the least.
I like that you mention “humor” to deal with the Toxic Mother experience because without humor, the anger and resentment would eat us alive. Looking forward to your book!
Oh Dianmarie, if I couldn’t laugh about Toxic Moms I’d really be in trouble! As we mature and gain more perspective and compare their lives to our lives it gets funnier. At least it did for me. I will always look for ways to laugh and release that tension that TM’s seem to thrive upon.
Thanks again for providing those of us growing up with a Toxic Mother a safe harbor to vent, give and get good advice, and learn coping strategies from those who understand. It’s nice to know this normally taboo subject can be dealt with without fear of being chastised. That alone is a step in the healing process which can help us lead happier, more productive lives which can only make for a happier society!
May is a hard month for me. First, it’s Mother’s day. Then, a week later (more or less, depending on the year), it’s my mother’s birthday. I’ve always found picking out a card for her a form of torture.
One year, when I was living in Texas, I didn’t have enough money to buy both a Mother’s day and birthday gift for Mom. So instead, I sent her a couple of E-cards. My father called me and berated me in a most humiliating way. He let me know that my “cards” were not good enough. Forget the fact that I was also a mother. It was never about other mothers. It was always about her. The following year, I did remember her (how could I forget?). My father called me and told me, “Thank you for remembering your mother on HER day”. I no longer give her anything for HER Mother’s day. Just not worth the stress.
Oh my gosh, I wish I could do that. I have to say, I really applaud you for standing up for how you feel. I almost feel as if I might get struck down for supporting you, but I’m going to stick my neck out and hopefully nothing bad will happen to me. I could only eke out one sentence this year in my Mother’s Day card, “Hope you had a lovely Mother’s Day,” and I chose the most generic card I could find. For my Father’s Day card, I felt inspired to write a little more, but I was careful not to voice my appreciation too much and wrote mostly about factual stuff in case my mom got jealous and took it out on dad and then maybe wished some evil on me and blew it over and then told twisted lies to all the unsuspecting, kind people I knew growing up. I did just e-mail my dad to tell him that I preferred if they didn’t call me and that maybe I would call if I got up the courage but that I wasn’t promising anything. My dad is trying to play peacemaker and tries to paint a gentler picture of my mom to me, and he hasn’t replied to my e-mail yet in over a day, when usually, he replies right away, so I don’t know if he is busy, which could very well be, or if he is mad at me, which is what I fear.
I cannot remember how I found Toxic Mom Toolkit, but I did, and thats the best story!!
This site has helped me be stronger and be real to heal !! I love visiting daily, posting positive, motivational stories and just interacting and allowing myself to be absolutely fine with the decisions I have made regarding my Toxic Mother. I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR THIS SITE Rayne! Blessings of golden fairy dust for your dreams! Peace
Sorry, forgot one thing, I no longer worry about Mothers Day..I embrace it by going to a local Nursing Home, and read to an elder lady. I make sure i get to share love with someone who really wants it and i can say HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to her and it actually MEANS something!!